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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mother Nature Has Gone Rogue


I don’t know why this winter needs to be so god awful long, but apparently, Mother Nature has cancelled Spring.  AGAIN.

SnowIceSnowSleetBlizzardIceySnowyMixDriftingWindChillBlizzardFreezingRainSnowIceSnow.

I’m fed up with you, Mother Nature.  We’ve been at odds since oh, I’d say about October, and I’m just tired of asking nicely for 5 full days of sunshine.  It can still be cold, I don’t mind the cold, I just miss the sun.  Cold isn’t too bad, when you can look upward and get warmth on your face. You know, that big orange ball of light behind the layers upon layers of blanketing gray clouds you’ve sent our way?  Stop bogarting the melatonin, bitch!  It’s not all about YOU, okay?  Some of us pale pastey-skinned humans NEED to see the sun, and benefit from it’s rays on occasion.  Even when I’ve got SPF 50 and my big sombrero looking gardening hat on, I still like to get a little color from my knees down to my shoes.  And occasionally on my forearms, when I’m not wearing my protective armor jacket on my motorcycle.  No, a farmer’s tan is quite okay, I’m not asking for the aged leathered old lady in Miami skin.  Just a little color would be nice.  And no, gray is not a color.  Not for skin tone anyways.  I’m so white I’m almost clear right now, for chrissakes.

All I’m trying to say is that we like to know that the sun is THERE, so we can actually go out in it when WE want to.... It’s not something you can just take away and never give back to us.  Hey, we devoted alot of our youth to that damned ball of fire, remember?  Lazily sunbathing on the front of the boat on Lake Cumberland?  Yeah, that was me.  Shirts and skins pick-up hoops game at the school yard?  Me, again.  Frisbee in the back yard with Dad that one summer when I got the big sunburn blister the size of Rhode Island on my shoulder that my sister thought it would be funny to pop by slapping me really really hard?  You guessed it, me.  A crying, whimpering me, but nonetheless, I liked being out in the sun until I burnt like a french fry.  Do I even need to remind you about all the drunken outdoor rock festivals?  You were there, you remember, I’m sure...
All I’m asking for is one more chance to look like a raccoon one more time.  I like wearing my Oakleys all summer, you know.  Just asking for a chance to do it in the next couple of weeks, old girl.  What do ya say?  Maybe you could throw us a solar bone?  If not for me, do it for the little bunnies.  I wanna see the little wild bunnies hop across my lawn, because they’re just so snuggily and cuddily cute and adorable.  Come on, do it for them.

17 comments:

  1. Im still tring to get past the image of a big sombrero and a sunblock coated face...

    Seriously though...Come to California. The sun is shinning here and its average under 70 at the hottest time of day right now. Most days its a little chilly, but the sun is very nice and its not freeze your ass off cold.

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  2. OMG, popped your blister by slapping it?! Geez!

    I'm so sick of Winter, too. The genius who designed my apartment didn't put a vent in my bedroom, so yeah, sleeping in there in the Winter is lovely.

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  3. I hear you on that one. Old Man Winter can kiss my ass.

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  4. Brandi- I don't think I'd like the earthquakes, the fakey LA peeps, and the gridlock. Sunshine is nice, but I can't afford a penthouse view....

    Kat- Yeah, my sister was a little bitch. She's mellowed over the years, though... Buy Lysol. XD

    Beer- I'm guessing you're stuck somewhere in the Midwest also? God please send dry weather.

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  5. Nobody commented on the picture.... ??

    The sun is burning. Sunburn. See what I did there? :-)

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  6. if you get really desperate, you could spray tan. (but don't tell us.)

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  7. Mama, I don't go for the Oompa Loompa look.

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  8. Good news! I've got your solar bone, but it's down here in Boca!

    I've wedged it in between two racist neighbors complaining by the pool, a murder/suicide on I-95, an upscale market selling rancid beef, and a crack head doing 90 on a crotch rocket.

    78 and sunny. We've got it all. I'd rather be shoveling snow with my smart, warm, funny neighbors in Port Clinton. Throw me a snow shovel...

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  9. ET: As much as I hate to, I agree with you. The "stop bogarting the melatonin bitch" line really won me over. I have been stuck on the frozen Indiana tundra for so many months now I can't even remember what the sun looks like and I am officially see through as my official skin color. Whitest, white girl...ever. At least I can rock the pasty look. Yum. I know, now you want me again. Sorry.

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  10. Linda- I've got so many bone jokes that I'm passing on right now, love! hahahaaaa I dunno, 78 and sunny might trump bad meat and crazy bikers. I said bad meat. heh heh

    Random- China Doll. Yeah, that works. With pigtails and a plaid skirt and knee high socks. Sorry, my meds haven't kicked in yet this morning. I'm a little looney this early in the day.

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  11. I'm thinking Old Man Winter is blackmailing Mother Nature to keep himself around a little longer.

    I've heard he has pictures of her having a three-way with the Man on the Moon and MARSFACE while Neptune and Superman videotape it.

    She's a kinky old bird, and now we're all paying the price.

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  12. Kev D- I think you're on to something there. Can we get The Heat Miser to drop Mother Nature a well placed blackmail letter?

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  13. Oh ET, I like where your head is on this one... we can definitely work this out. I have all of the above mentioned items on the ready. Just sayin'

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  14. Will you be changing your nickname to Evil Temptress and your avatar to match the aforementioned costume?

    Is it hot in here?

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  15. Hmm, probably not. I think Random Girl is general enough to cover the whole spectrum and enjoy the flexibility it affords. As for the avatar, I don't play make-believe so it is the real deal or nothing for me sir.

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  16. *note to self* research travel and accomodations in Indiana.

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