Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Lab Results Are In


White lab rats cause cancer.  Those beady eyed, pink tailed wirey furred turds are the root cause of all evil disease ever.  Well, maybe not turrets, but most of the others. Rats would have no use for speech, as they communicate telepathically.

Sugar is bad for you, after it was tested on white lab rats.

Remember when eggs were bad for you?  Not caviar, mind you, good old fashioned white eggs that come from white chickens that were tested on white lab rats.

Red wine is good, white wine is not good. As tested on white lab rats.

White bread is not good for you, but whole grain EVERYTHING is good for you, as proved by stuffing a diet of multigrain Tostitos and pita down the throats of white lab rats.

My grandfather ate a steady diet of Twinkies and Black Label beer.  He lived to the ripe old age of 76.  He died from taking a spill in the shower while drunk, but that’s another story.  I’m sure he was scared of some hallucination involving gigantic white lab rats dancing the tango on the divan.

Supersize me while you’re at it! Those trans fats don’t kill, the white lab rats are laughing all the way to the Big Mac in their food bowl, while they wash it down with Amp in that upside down bottle with the clicky ball thingy at the end of the tube.  They're faking the damned test results.  THEY can produce fat cells AT WILL.  White lab rats are a very advanced species!

White lab rats are the ground zero of every major disease and affliction that modern man has faced.  In fact, I think it was a white lab rat that bit that stupid monkey that was in Outbreak.  They just edited it out because it would make people scared to go to Disneyland.  Yeah, Mickey is black, so that’s why children aren’t afraid of him.  Do you see laboratory scientists high fiving him in their vacation photos?  I don’t think so.  Because THEY KNOW.

Reality shows in testing labs?  Never seen one, have you?  Because the rats are about to go all 12 Monkeys on us.  Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.  Yeah, Smashing Pumpkins knew all about it, and tried to warn us.  Raging white lab rats are all around us. They test positive on purpose.  For everything.  BECAUSE THEY CAN.

Don’t believe me?  Notice any similarities in side effect symptoms?  Nausea, headaches, blurry vision, and in some rare instances death?  Heard that before?  Yeah, because that’s what the rats do to the drugs.  They fake all these symptoms, and then DIE to cloud the data.  It’s all part of their evil plan to make the drug companies manufacture and test even MORE drugs, and make us TAKE more drugs to save us from the drugs we already took, unless the drugs killed us like the rats, which is what the white lab rats want.  Then they can live their lives in peace in their climate controlled rat labs, sleeping on their fluffy rat beds made out of HUMAN HAIR.  Yeah.  Write it down.  It’s coming.

Michael Jackson sang Ben.  Michael Jackson dies of a drug overdose.  Coincidence?  Doubt it.  Now go take your Zoloft like good boys and girls. I’ve got some chewable Flintstones to snack on if you run out.


  1. I tagged you on my blog. Get to it.

  2. B, thank you for honoring me! You are pretty awesome yourself. Why am I wishing I was a Smurf right about now? Hmmmm...

  3. Those sneaky little fuckers. They were probably in on Chernobyl, too, and radiation is harmless!

    Smokin' hot poem at AG's pad, by the by.~

  4. You may just have taken over the as the king of conspiracy theories. I applaud you sir. Also, bonus cool kid points for the Smashing Pumpkins reference.

  5. Ha I managed to find a fellow crazy person! Pass the craziness!


  6. I had a cousin die once because a gerbil gnawed an escape route through his colon. Does general rodent-related death count?

  7. I work with scientists that do tests on these m-f'rs. You think the rats are weird??

  8. Kat, I was forced by the CIA to remove my Chernobyl data. Glad you liked my late night creation over at AG's place. I'll try to work on some more....
    Random!, I love bald musicians, they're well.... Bald. xoxo
    Kera, I am most certainly not crazy. These are all very factual things that I write about. And my teddy bear says so. (WELCOME!)
    Beer, Welcome! I am sorry to hear of your loss. Did you guy cremate the gerbil and bbq your cousin, or the other way around?
    Chrissy, I can only imagine. I wonder if one of them was Beer for the Shower's cousin?

  9. I like your thinking, I have a similar theory on vegetables.

    Everyone who has ever died has at some point in their lives either eaten a vegetable (direct death) or eaten something that has eaten a vegetable (indirect death) I’m currently looking for meat related funding to expand my theory. I haven’t ruled out cannibalism as the path to everlasting life but this would involve only of people that have only ever eaten meat. Parents with their mantra “Eat up your vegetables Johny it’s good for you” may have saved him from a grizzly home cooked death but have given him a death sentence all the same…..

    P.S. Any change of “borrowing” some of those white rats, but only the ones that have been fed on meat that has been fed on meat that has been etc, etc…..

  10. If you work on some more poetry like that then I'll be expecting you to chip in for my water bill with all of the cold showers I'll have to take.


  11. Odd...this post actually turned me on a little.

    Consipracy theorists are always fun, but rarely have such a delicious "fuck off" attitude though. I like.

    ALMOST as much as I liked your poem (which, incidentally, I've chosen to believe is about me).

    Narcissism is a wonderful thing.

    Brilliant, sir.

    - B x

  12. Kat, Do you accept Paypal? hahahaha
    Barreness, Why are you so sure that the poem is NOT about you? *evilgrin*

  13. It was really fun! Which part gave away that I was writing about you? *wink* I truly do love your blog - you have a dry sense of humor and I have been laughing about the rats all day! Looking forward to more from you!

  14. Listen to Stephen Lynch. He has a song called "What If That Guy From Smashing Pumpkins Lost His Car Keys"...end case.

    We are all rats in a cage, my friend.

  15. I was about to comment on the FART battle over at Average Life, and you beat me to the punch with "Fart Babies FTW". That being said, I needed to check out your blog.

    The Michael Jackson - Ben connection might be the most brilliant scientific theory ever committed to internets.

  16. Suitor, I had forgotten about the Lynch song! NICE!!
    Kev D, Welcome! I am glad you support my Ben/MJ theory. I believe he was originally going to name his ranch the Nevershouldhavesangthatratsongland Ranch.