Monday, November 15, 2010

Please Join My Cause!

FETA.  It’s the initials for a new organization for a sector of our nation that is sorely misrepresented, often misunderstood, and nearing a crossroads in how they define themselves.

FETA:  Fans for the Ethical Treatment of Athletes.

These poor, unorganized and maligned group are desperately trying to reach new heights.  These athletes are sorely underpaid, as China is still receiving better paychecks from our government.  This is clearly a problem, because no current player can afford to buy their own stadium so they can show off their game to the masses and collect 100% of the gate and concessions.  Then Jerry Jones could get out from under that wicked video game screen.  Man, that has the makings for a fun World Of Warcraft tournament.

Imagine a world, (I just did Movie Trailer Guy’s voice.... In A World....) if you will, where each elite athlete had their own stadium.  It would support their egos, and allow them to finally get what they’ve always wanted.  Their way.  The LeBron James Arena.  We’ll call it The Q, short for Quitter Arena.  How about Randy Moss Municipal Stadium?  Chris Berman from ESPN might nickname it “The Mess”, or “Boss Moss”, or “The Chronic Circle”.  Let’s not forget Ben Rothlisberger Pavilion.  It’s sponsored by Hooters, and has its’ own law firm attached.  “I’ll take a dozen hot wings, a quick fondle, an extended leer, and bail money.  Can I put that on my debit card?”

Scoring will be handled by their entourage, points being incorrectly logged in favor of the Home Team.  The clock reaches zero before the final shot goes off, so each elite athlete can have the glory of making a buzzer beater, or diving end zone grab.  Oh the highlight reels!  On court camera men, nay, camera women, to capture every sweet shot, pass, and ‘adjustment’ for all the world to see.  The entourage joins in on end zone celebrations, which are not only encouraged, but choreographed by Terrell Owens himself.  He of course, owns all rights to popcorn sales.  Hey, Deon Sanders can do play by play, and comment about how much better he is than anyone on the field.

What won’t be shown on the screen will be the locker room antics.  No Sir!  No more players assaulting female reporters, or verbally abusing their teammates, or complaining about the catering.  They can be as pompous and loud and obnoxious as they like, as they are the only ones on their team.  Instead, animated B roll will be shown, of what the locker room is really like.  Players singing Sarah McLachlan songs, as little animated bluebirds tweet around room, warbling along in unison with their beloved star athletes.  It’s heavenly!  Does it smell like lavender in here?

These sports figures need more money.  They need to be given every opportunity to earn every dollar they can. There is no possible way for them to earn money after they leave sports.  Please support FETA by sending ME any money you can.  I will be sure to pass it along.  I accept all major credit cards and paypal.  Better yet, just send me your credit cards.  You will receive an autographed copy of Jose Canseco's autobiography.


  1. Oh, those poor under-appreciated athletes. My thoughts and prayers go out to every. single. freakin'. one. of. them.

    I shall send you all of my green, in hopes that you can get started building their individual stadiums. I'll tell all my friends to forgo Christmas presents, so they can focus on what REALLY matters.

  2. SEE?? Clearly you're a woman with vision, and can see the possibilities. You could have your very own Dirty Sanchez Stadium, off the West Side HWY. I'll put you down for a 10 mil donation.

  3. Better pipe down, pal, before I put on my Archie Bunker hat and tell you how I really feel.