Sunday, November 21, 2010

Move Aside, I'm On A Mission

It’s really too early for this. If Mary Jo says I look like I have a bad case of the Mondays again, I may have to knock a couple teeth out.  Looks like someone beat me to it, though. Dentist much?  Get out of my way moron, I need to be on the elevator.  Just nod and look interested while Barry tells you about his weekend at home making sweet, sweet love to his wife that he calls The Human Vacuum Cleaner.  Yeah, funny story Barry.  I’m sure your wife would appreciate it, too.  Oh thank God the doors are open.  Sprint towards the bathroom and lock the door, so Barry doesn’t follow you in to crack jokes about how cold and deep the water is while I pee.

Crack the door open.  The coast is clear now.  All quiet, except for the cackling hen house laughter coming from H.R.  I seriously wish I was a ninja, and I could swiftly and silently move towards the break room right now.  Time for blood. Nectar of the Gods.  Mainlining caffeine would be the only other choice, but I’ll take a big cup of fresh coffee.  Boy, I need to wake the heck up. Oh sweet!  Leering Crazy Girl from the 5th floor is not here.  She gives me the willies.  No, literally; she gave me a wet willy while I was eating lunch and reading a book one afternoon. I cried silently at my desk after that.

I grab the flammable powdered creamer. (didja know it was flammable?  Try it out sometime.) My Hazelnut creamer was in the fridge last week, but somebody ganked it.  I turn to find an empty pot.  Well, it’s not completely empty, it’s got like an ounce of coffee left.  Who does that?  You couldn’t fit in the last ounce?  You couldn’t take a sip out of your cup and add the rest?  Why didn’t you make a fresh pot?!?  I look around, and there’s no sign of anyone.  Normally I can’t get away from these nimrods, but now? When it REALLY matters?  I can’t find a soul, let alone the jackass that couldn’t take the minute and a half it takes to make a fresh pot of coffee.  I’m a simple man, I can live without a lot.  But I’ll put an ice pick through your forehead if I find out that YOU were the one who screwed me over.  I mean, come on, people, it’s not like you actually have work to do or something.  I walk by your cubes, you’re playing farmland and sudoku all freaking day.  Put down your donut to free up your hand and MAKE A FRESH POT.


  1. Wow. You are really grumpy without your caffeine, huh? Well, it wasn't me. I actually started bringing a thermos of coffee FROM HOME, as well as my handy-dandy flask of creamer.

    Seriously, it's a flask. Keeps it cold.

    For I cannot wait for the coffee to brew...and as I'm the first one in, there's no-one to make it for me. By the time I finish my 1 1/2 cups that my thermos held, the girl will have made some and I'm golden.

    I have coffee before I leave (only 1 cup, for it's an hour commute one way) and I swear, it's negated by the time I arrive @ work. WTF IS that??

  2. Oh, me likey java! I drink it all day long. It keeps me awake, alert, and edgy. I have a problem with "It's not in my job description to make the coffee, even though I just took the last cup" Guy. He can suck it.