(clears throat, final drag on a cigarette before conjuring up Movie Trailer Guy Voice)
In A World...... Where celebutants don’t matter..... Where grocery store tabloids don’t exist... Where paparazzi are respectful and polite.... Where Adam Sandler has talent....
(cut to quiet table in the back of a coffee shop, author puts down National Enquirer mag and begins to enter text on his laptop)Come on, admit it, you love all of it. You love the craptastic reality shows that are shoved down your throat nightly. You can’t wait until the next celebrity scandal headlines the entertainment news. Shoot, you don’t even watch the regular network news; it’s just so boring. You stare at the trash rags while you’re waiting for Grandma to count her coupons and write her check in line at the grocery. If she could just remember where she put that prune juice coupon...
You peruse the OMG page on Yahoo all day long at work. You could care less about what the no talent Kardashian sluts are up to, but gawd, they are sooooo hawt. You have to find out what the JoBros are up to, because you just can’t survive without knowing what they’re wearing to the next Nickelodeon awards show.
If I never hear about Brangelina again as long as I live, I’m sure I’ll be fine. If American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and Survivor dropped off the face of the earth, I wouldn’t even notice. Who watches MTV anymore? Do they even play videos? Ones that don’t involve someone coming out of the closet or making out in one?
Here’s a few shows I’d like to see....
It’s about an overbearing, neurotic, superficial bride to be, as she screams and tantrums her way towards her upcoming nuptials, with clearly the most patient(or medicated) guy on the planet. It’s not called Bridezilla, it’s called Lunatic Bitch (With People I Have to Pay to Be My Friends Because I Will Be Divorced and Homeless in 6 Months.) It’s a working title....
This one is about a group of twenty something trustfunders that take time off from their hectic clubbing schedule to move into a house with each other. My show picks up where this show leaves off... It’s not Real World, it’s called, Welcome to the Real World of Unemployment After Wasting Your Time on a Fake Reality Show, Now Go Bus That Table, Loser. Again, I’m still tweaking...
I’ve always loved models. Rightfully so, I might add, they clearly bring so much to the table. Next Top Model, move over.... Here’s the story of a couple of bulemic tweens that run away to The Big Apple to follow their dreams of being the next big teen superstar spokesmodel. Comedy ensues on ICarly. (Coffee Waitress points out, "Um, sir, that’s already a show..." Yes, I realize that, but the joke works for me, so I’m going with it.) I just deleted my explanation. If you still need one, sorry. Embrace the funny.
Oh now I’m not all about the teenybopper shows, no siree. In fact, I’m currently in negotiations with Nancy Grace’s people for a new series. She’s looking over the treatment right now.... It’s called I’m a Bubbleheaded Hypocrite. It’s filmed without audio..... It will just be a tight shot of her accusing, glaring, fish-like eyes for 22 minutes. Her bugged out lazer beam stares, scaring the truth out of America. Hope she bites, I think it’s a winner.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming......
(author walks pushes open coffee shop exit, tightens his coat collar.....fade out)
In A World...... Where celebutants don’t matter..... Where grocery store tabloids don’t exist... Where paparazzi are respectful and polite.... Where Adam Sandler has talent....
(cut to quiet table in the back of a coffee shop, author puts down National Enquirer mag and begins to enter text on his laptop)Come on, admit it, you love all of it. You love the craptastic reality shows that are shoved down your throat nightly. You can’t wait until the next celebrity scandal headlines the entertainment news. Shoot, you don’t even watch the regular network news; it’s just so boring. You stare at the trash rags while you’re waiting for Grandma to count her coupons and write her check in line at the grocery. If she could just remember where she put that prune juice coupon...
You peruse the OMG page on Yahoo all day long at work. You could care less about what the no talent Kardashian sluts are up to, but gawd, they are sooooo hawt. You have to find out what the JoBros are up to, because you just can’t survive without knowing what they’re wearing to the next Nickelodeon awards show.
If I never hear about Brangelina again as long as I live, I’m sure I’ll be fine. If American Idol, Dancing with the Stars and Survivor dropped off the face of the earth, I wouldn’t even notice. Who watches MTV anymore? Do they even play videos? Ones that don’t involve someone coming out of the closet or making out in one?
Here’s a few shows I’d like to see....
It’s about an overbearing, neurotic, superficial bride to be, as she screams and tantrums her way towards her upcoming nuptials, with clearly the most patient(or medicated) guy on the planet. It’s not called Bridezilla, it’s called Lunatic Bitch (With People I Have to Pay to Be My Friends Because I Will Be Divorced and Homeless in 6 Months.) It’s a working title....
This one is about a group of twenty something trustfunders that take time off from their hectic clubbing schedule to move into a house with each other. My show picks up where this show leaves off... It’s not Real World, it’s called, Welcome to the Real World of Unemployment After Wasting Your Time on a Fake Reality Show, Now Go Bus That Table, Loser. Again, I’m still tweaking...
I’ve always loved models. Rightfully so, I might add, they clearly bring so much to the table. Next Top Model, move over.... Here’s the story of a couple of bulemic tweens that run away to The Big Apple to follow their dreams of being the next big teen superstar spokesmodel. Comedy ensues on ICarly. (Coffee Waitress points out, "Um, sir, that’s already a show..." Yes, I realize that, but the joke works for me, so I’m going with it.) I just deleted my explanation. If you still need one, sorry. Embrace the funny.
Oh now I’m not all about the teenybopper shows, no siree. In fact, I’m currently in negotiations with Nancy Grace’s people for a new series. She’s looking over the treatment right now.... It’s called I’m a Bubbleheaded Hypocrite. It’s filmed without audio..... It will just be a tight shot of her accusing, glaring, fish-like eyes for 22 minutes. Her bugged out lazer beam stares, scaring the truth out of America. Hope she bites, I think it’s a winner.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming......
(author walks pushes open coffee shop exit, tightens his coat collar.....fade out)
Oh My Hell, that Nancy Grace creature. Love your pitches. Let me know if you need a writer. You know, for the reality shows.
ReplyDeleteI'm very certain we could come up with a couple of good treatments that would make it to production. I mean, we're breathing, we can occasionally complete a thought, and we can spell. So we're a shoe-in for a series, I think! Couldn't be any worse than anything on MTV.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking R. Lee Ermey for a host.
Busted. I love all that shit. It helps feed my feelings of shame for my pathetic life and perpetuates my contempt for my parents because they weren't billionaires.
ReplyDelete