I will cut you off as I enter the freeway, even though there are no cars behind you for miles. I’m in far too much of a hurry to use my turn signal, or share a wave of thanks in my rear view mirror as I triple lane change and speed past you at 90 miles per hour.
I will speak loudly on my cell phone while rushing into an already crowded elevator. I will not move to the side as you try to exit, as I’m much to busy relating my graphically detailed exploits from last evening to my BFF on my phone.
In the long lunch line at the fast food restaurant, I will complain about the cashier not paying enough attention to me while I order something that’s not on the menu. It’s just the way I like my processed meat sandwich, and I don’t really care that I could pull the pickles and tomatoes off myself. It’s much easier for me to slow down the line. And I said NO ICE, get it right.
It’s time for me to take another long lunch. No, I don’t really have to pick up the latest CD from Taylor Swift on my lunch, it’s just much easier than trying to fight the store after I clock out. Yeah, I know I was supposed to actually get some work done, but I’m having way too much fun playing Solitaire and Bejeweled on my company computer. I’ll get around to getting some work done sometime. When it’s more convenient for me.
I rush through the open door in front of you, even though you are struggling with your grocery bags. I step over your can of corn that fell out of the bottom of one of your bags. It’s okay, I’m just trying to get to my apartment first so I can turn up my bad music and stomp around on the floor as if I had no neighbors below me. I’m cooking with curry again this evening!
I’m getting into this already jam-packed subway car. No, I’m not going to let any of the departing passengers off first, I’ll just crowd right in there and turn my Ipod up louder. I will sit in the handicapped seat, even though the poor mother of two on crutches is trying to wrangle her 5 and 7 year old kids while limping on her cast. With my headphones blaring, I’ll just act like I didn’t see her while I fake read my magazine.
I am the only person on the planet today.
I will speak loudly on my cell phone while rushing into an already crowded elevator. I will not move to the side as you try to exit, as I’m much to busy relating my graphically detailed exploits from last evening to my BFF on my phone.
In the long lunch line at the fast food restaurant, I will complain about the cashier not paying enough attention to me while I order something that’s not on the menu. It’s just the way I like my processed meat sandwich, and I don’t really care that I could pull the pickles and tomatoes off myself. It’s much easier for me to slow down the line. And I said NO ICE, get it right.
It’s time for me to take another long lunch. No, I don’t really have to pick up the latest CD from Taylor Swift on my lunch, it’s just much easier than trying to fight the store after I clock out. Yeah, I know I was supposed to actually get some work done, but I’m having way too much fun playing Solitaire and Bejeweled on my company computer. I’ll get around to getting some work done sometime. When it’s more convenient for me.
I rush through the open door in front of you, even though you are struggling with your grocery bags. I step over your can of corn that fell out of the bottom of one of your bags. It’s okay, I’m just trying to get to my apartment first so I can turn up my bad music and stomp around on the floor as if I had no neighbors below me. I’m cooking with curry again this evening!
I’m getting into this already jam-packed subway car. No, I’m not going to let any of the departing passengers off first, I’ll just crowd right in there and turn my Ipod up louder. I will sit in the handicapped seat, even though the poor mother of two on crutches is trying to wrangle her 5 and 7 year old kids while limping on her cast. With my headphones blaring, I’ll just act like I didn’t see her while I fake read my magazine.
I am the only person on the planet today.
I'm genuinely hoping this is not about you (because why do I find it hard to believe you would listen to Taylor Swift, even though she really is awesome?!) but rather behavior you have observed. I don't know you that well (okay at all), but something tells me you're a bit more considerate than this.
ReplyDeleteLMFAO...
ReplyDeleteTaylor Swift though??
Sometimes, it's good to keep 'em guessing....
ReplyDeleteI thought you were just looking into planning your trip to Indiana, not already living beside me?? Don't forget to spit your gum out wherever you so choose on a crowded sidewalk and throw your trash out of your car window while driving down the interstate. People love it when you do both of those things. Have a fantastic day pumpkin!
ReplyDelete"I'm cooking with curry again this evening!"
ReplyDeleteFirst time I've ever snort-laughed out loud at work... so... thanks?
I ride my bicycle in the middle of the road like I am a car, but then I go through red lights. The rules only apply when it is convenient for me.
ReplyDeleteWATCH FOR MY HAND SIGNAL.
A pox on thee, sir.
ReplyDeletepeople on phones in public restrooms. gross.
ReplyDeleteYou live in Boca and never called? Not even lunch?
ReplyDeleteRandy- I spit gum out my car window, in your honor today.
ReplyDeleteKev - Hope you didn't get any spray on your monitor!
Kat- I have no idea what that means. But I've had my pox shots, if that counts.
Linda- If I was in Boca, I'd be serving you umbrella drinks poolside. Now about that Cabana Boy job for next year...
What the shit? How did I miss this post from TWO days ago??? It's on my goddamn blog roll!
ReplyDeleteI live next to, work with AND ride public transportation with this dickhead. His name is Carter Worhtington...I'm assuming/know. He also never puts his rubbish and recycling bins out because he just waits for me to put mine out so he can contribute. He's a thoughtful fucker that way.